Talk:Pillars To Paradise Arc: Creeping Past/@comment-21119641-20180321041014

This was a nice read, despite what I'm going to say afterwards! I wasn't really bored and the characters are somewhat cool, I just think they needed a bit more exposition.

It is an error I did often, and still do sometimes, which is to either not balance between "Showing & Telling" or do too much telling. What I mean by that is, you ought to demonstrate what a character is feeling through description of their actions. Through this, as we readers continue to dive into the story, we'll have an easier time reading that character. Don't worry, you guys seemed to do a fine job with this, so, this is more of advice for the future.

I also felt like the transitions were quite sudden, mainly because there aren't much descriptions of the characters... idk, transitioning? This piece for example:

''Haru quickly put on his shoes before racing for the guild hall. He opened the doors to Nirvana's Peace, his parent's among the many other guild members who found the guild hall in a wreck as they entered.'' <- The thing with it is... they're in the same paragraph, in-betweens can be unnecessary, but, if they're well done, they can make the story feel alive. So, I suggest watching out for transitions.

Also, I see you abbreviate quite a bit. That's (teehe) not bad in dialogue itself, it characterizes characters via the way they speak. However, I suggest taking it out of the narration pieces.

The story is... solid? I like how the mystery is set right off the bat, but, I feel like I don't know the characters that much yet. This is another error I've did myself, to not... "explain" who these characters whom the reader never saw are? I can attribute it to the fact we're on wiki.

But, yeah, I feel like I covered everything I wanted, and as I said above, this is not bad. The characters are nice and the setting shaping up to the mystery is pretty cool too, it involves everyone in the guild, which makes it feel like FT.