User blog:Lady Komainu/Parting Thoughts From My Time Here

So here is the brief summary if you don’t want to read that much: I am taking a break from the wiki, or becoming less active more so. Mainly because it isn’t fun for me anymore due to circumstances. I do love all the bonds I’ve made here and will strive to keep those bonds alive even if I am not actively RPing all that much. I will post a blog later putting up some of my pages for new ownership. That is all.

The Bad
Yeah you read that right. I did say “parting thoughts”, as in, this blog will be my stage to broadcast what I have felt during my two year journey with you guys before I take time off for a bit. Now I didn’t title it “final thoughts” because I do plan to come back to the fanon every here and there, maybe even for good at one point; but for now there are some things going on that make me want to take an indefinite break from my role here. Though I am not even sure what that role here is anymore, so perhaps that contributes to my need for a break as well.

Now I really hate myself for this, because the saying, “Don’t let a few rotten apples spoil the bunch” keeps playing in my head on repeat as I somewhat grimace at writing down one of the major reasons I have decided to take a break from the fanon. That is just what seemed to happen to me, and it is disheartening… I know the advice I would give someone else about the same issue would be to pay no mind to it, or try to distance yourself if you can, but that doesn’t seem to be working. When those handful of apples are so intricately woven into the sphere of this fanon that I operate in, it makes it seem like it is almost inescapable without cutting myself off from those I love. And even though there are good apples still left in the barrel, that rotten one seems to just leave a sick taste in my mouth and make me not even want to look at the barrel sometimes. But when I look away, the disease seems to grow and make me want to not even attempt to reach in there anymore…

Now I know that is a bit of an exaggeration on the extended analogy, but I feel like it illustrates the point I am trying to make about how I feel on the bad days. Granted, there are good days too; but they seem to become less and less for me. And yes, I know it’s probably immature of me to be swept into the high school drama that seems to come forth when I try to interact with these half dozen people or so, but sometimes I can’t help but be brought to the breaking point after holding onto the frustrations for so long. And it kills me a little inside as to why I allow myself to take away almost 10 years of my maturity and submit myself to the trivial arguments like I am a freshman trying to look cool in front of the big kids. But it is because I am upset and I need to get these emotions out somehow… I am upset for letting these bad experiences pile up on my shoulders with the hopes that it will keep the peace between other members of the circle. I am upset that I let them ruin my enjoyment that I have had for so long on this fanon with both my writing and my friends. I am upset that now I can’t even make a page that I want without it being subjected to degrading critics, page length criteria, magic mechanics that are not my own, and calls of “overpowered-ness” because of five words in a sentence. And yes, you can call me a hypocrite, I don’t mind. I know I have probably been a rotten apple myself at times, so I sincerely apologize to those that I have hurt, because I know how that feels and how it can ruin your means for motivation.

I miss the days of when I started here on the wiki. When it was ten of my friends and I making up stories and adding whatever we wanted to our characters to make it more fun. We didn’t care about byte count, or the minute details of magic and its limits, or even that our characters had six spells and was called an s class mage. It wasn’t a competition back then of who could make the most powerful character, who had paragraphs and paragraphs of bullshit detail. We weren’t trying to make ten dozen magic pages so we could do what we want with them, we were just happy with what was made in the canon universe. Yeah I’ll be cliché and say that “it was simpler times back then”, but in all honesty, it really was. We didn’t argue every day of the week, even though that was how often we talked. We didn’t compare ourselves to the big players on the wiki, or even each other; we were just writing for the fun of it and hoping to get a good story or two down on the page. Now whenever I see someone pitching an idea, it is immediately met with put downs and unconstructive critique. Those are just my opinions though, and perhaps I am too jaded to see them otherwise.

I haven’t found the need to bring up my hurt feelings because, well, they hurt. I know it would probably be better for me if I were to truly speak my mind whenever someone said something that hurt my feelings, but that’s all it would be good for. It wouldn’t help anyone else in the group, and it would probably end up making everyone hate me because of what I said. Like I said before, I don’t know what my role in this fanon or in my own group is anymore, and I feel like I am backed into a corner and standing on top of a tower of cards. One move, one true release of my feelings, and the house of cards I have spent building would come tumbling down. So I kept it bottled up for fear of destroying what I love, because ultimately I have become obsolete in this sphere, and I am far outnumbered in support to be able to try and change it back to what would make me happy. But as long as my friends stay happy, I don’t mind shouldering my frustrations and pains in silence. Well I guess it isn’t that silent anymore, but I have tried to keep it as superficial as possible. This isn’t therapy, but getting it out there is helping me trudge forward and solidify my departure because I don’t want to continue with things that make me unhappy.

That aside, my real life has gotten a bit more busy. I have recently started living with my girlfriend, and we are looking into moving into a new house currently, so that has been both exciting and time consuming. Work has been getting stressful because my boss is split between two facilities so as a supervisor I have to act as big boss a few days a week, which means lots of phone calls, emails, and stress. Not to mention I have also been getting more into cosplaying, so any time I do have, I would rather spend it working on a costume than a magic page because it interests me far more and I want to get my costumes perfect. (Find me on Instagram at lady_komainu #selfpromoting haha)

But it’s not all bad, I promise. There are a lot of good things that I have come to love and treasure, and that is why I will still be floating around here like I have been the past two months or so. I just won’t be nearly as active as I was in the beginning of my time, and I will probably not be hosting any more events like S Class Trials, Grand Magic Games, Guild Tournaments, Toveri Alliance Arcs, or the Jigoku Games unless there is serious interest and commitment.

The Good
Now I know I have already posted two blogposts about how much I adore and love Koma Inu, but I really can’t say it enough. Now reaching over 100 members and having a great number of stories here on the wiki, I am pretty proud of how much my guild has grown. It seems like you can’t press the “Random Page” button on this fanon 10 times in a row without landing on at least one page that relates back to Koma Inu. We are the Kevin Bacon of this fanon lol. Like I said before this “guild that has become my family, a new web of connections with people from all around the world, and a place where I can create something beautiful that wasn’t there before. To me, that is about as close to magic as you can get.” And I still stand by what I said over a year ago. I know that whenever I feel lonely I can simply reach out to them and know that they will be there. Though many of them have sadly gone on with their lives, falling into the waves of everyday stresses that take up our time, I am still blessed to have gotten to known them and make up some small part of their memories during what may just be their “nerdy phase”. Having to have gotten to create hard hitting battles and eloquent romances with them was something I wouldn’t take back, and it really was an enjoyable way to spend my time.

I have gotten to bring so many ideas of mine to life on this fanon, and create events that brought people together. Whether that was the S Class Trials, GrandMagic Games, Toveri Alliance, or Jigoku Games; each story arc was something I loved to organize, and I loved the chance to see people have an outlet for their characters. When I first joined I didn’t really see much of the “events” that I do now, and with things like S Class Trials and guild job boards, I am pretty proud to see that I was able to alter the wiki in the slightest. But putting on those events and getting to see new users in action really warmed my heart and drove me to think of new and exciting events to keep them coming back and having fun. Though lately the events I have run have been met with dying commitment and participation, so maybe that’s just a reflection of my own wavering commitment to my own wiki activity. Even though I have passed on my title as guildmaster to the talented and amazing Blackdagger, I still am proud of what I did for the guild and will still call it my home. I know that it will continue to grow in the positive direction with such a phenomenal writer at its helm, and I will strive to make my second guild, Kairos Flight, as great as Koma one day so my family can grow even bigger!

“There has always been debates on how social media is degrading the meaning of real friendships, and taking out the social aspect of in-person connections. But after spending a good deal of time with the people on here, there is no way you can tell me that these connections aren’t real. The people I call my guildmates, as well as a few other on this site, are one’s with who I’ve gotten to know on a deeper level than some of the ‘friends’ who make up the number on my Facebook page. And to be honest, should I ever get the chance to meet them in real life, I don’t feel our connection would be like that of someone with whom you are meeting for the first time. It would feel like meeting with an old friend; someone with whom you have shared countless laughs and adventures with.” Another heartfelt thing I said back on my first blog post about Koma, and it still holds true. I have even been able to meet three of the people I became friends with on the fanon in real life, and we got to rep Koma Inu guild shirts up and down that Phoenix Convention hall! I hope that one day I get to meet more of you guys and share some laughs! So if you ever find yourselves with the chance to go to an anime convention in California, look for the short girl with a drawstring backpack with the Koma Inu logo on it, that’s me.

Final Thoughts
I do love what I have created here, and that is why I can’t fully abandon it. There is too much joy and love that has been poured into this guild of mine that I can’t just let it go despite my desire to rid myself of the drama. I also don’t want to leave some of my most prized pages and work to be free floating and eventually picked up by users who will misuse it or even purge all the hard work I have put into it, and so I will post another blog post dedicated to giving some of my pages away for safe keeping to users I trust will honor them. My characters will live on as my own however, and so that brings me a little piece of mind that I will have some sort of lasting mark on this wiki.

As I said before, I won’t be leaving for good. I still have a few projects I want to finish up, one of them being my own personal story Fairy Tail: Radiance, which may take a little while to complete. You can still always reach me on my talk page, or on discord, but I will most likely refuse any RP requests unless they really interest me. I do love all the wonderful users I’ve met, and a great deal of you I will always consider as my close friends.

I apologize for the essay of a blog post, but I figured I would give you all an explanation as to why I am leaving so I don’t have to say the same things over and over again when/if people ask “where have you been?” I would rather not go into intricate details, so please don’t try to pry. I wrote what I wrote for a reason, and left out details to try and give you answers but not create more drama. It really isn’t all that bad, and I am still the happy go lucky Lady I have been, so don’t worry. So if you read this much, thank you. Keep your eyes up for my next blog post for when I put some pages up for grabs! Love you guys.