User blog:Firegod00/In Which Fire Is The Host (Fairy Tail 413:The Book of END

Alright. I don’t review normally, but I figured I should save Aha the trouble. First things first, my review is gonna be quite like my comments on previous blogs, snarky and full of abject rage at the shitstorm we must suffer. If you don’t quite care for my style of angry rants, please kindly find some other Fairy Tail blog to read. Oh, and if you’re used to images with the snark, you’re SOL, I don’t have a good pic editing program and I am too lazy to search for myself.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Do NOT cross the line below if you don't want to read...

____________________________________________________________________________________

The chapter opens on a sight that Roy Mustang himself would be proud of. Lucy, cosplaying as a cop...in a miniskirt no less. HELLO NURSE! Ahem...sorry about that folks. Anyway, the last thing of note about the chapter cover is Natsu looks like he just got ass kicked. Good, you’ll soon be wishing this cover was canon and the story herein explains how the most overhyped Dragon Slayer ever got his ass kicked by Lucy...A man can dream, no?

Alright, enough about Lucy. Time to drag our collective asses into the dark pits of Hiro’s work...wait, work, did I just...ya know what, fuck it. I’ve given him chance after chance. I’m just gonna let lose and pray to God my soul doesn’t give out on me.

So, the chapter proper starts with the dragons, who’s names elude me, and as stated elsewhere, I’m too lazy to give a fuck about them, especially since two were supposed to be DEAD (with a capital D.E.A.D.), tearing into the FACES left and right, while we’re treated to a little panel of the FACE map, and little x’s show up to denote destroyed penis things.

Next page, it looks like the FACE signal is entire lost, as all three thousand plus dick-shaped pillars are wiped out in LITERALYL ONE SECOND by the dragons. Anyone who knows basic physics knows this is impossible. The four dragons that actively struck at FACES flew all around the damn continent, slamming into giant magic-stopping obilisks, without losing ANY momentum at all? BULLSHIT. Third Law of Motion states that any action (a force inflicted on anything) will have an equal and opposing reaction (The object inflicting force back upon you). So, as hard as these dragons hit the pillars, they were smashed with just as much force, meaning somewhere along the lines, they should have STOPPED MOVING!

Here’s some basic math for ya. If we estimate the number of faces at three grand even, that means that each of the four dragons had to smash exactly 750 FACES each, with the FACES spread out across the entire land. So, in other words, the dragons were able to criss-cross the entire continent at the last possible second. (For proof of this, we saw the timer hit ZERO before the dragons popped out of their children’s bellies) THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY! Maybe 750 dragons could have done it, but not FOUR.

Alright, enough basic math bitching. Back to the slogfest that is this chapter. We’re treated to a few panels of everyone cheering and Igneel saying they stopped END’s rebirth. Yep. That’s apparently a thing folks. Or so it seems. We’ll get back to this in a second

We cut back to Mard “I’m a Kurama-expy” Geer, flat on his ass while Sasu---I mean Gray, picks up END’s book. We also see that Igneel is actually mounting the Black Dragon of The Apocalypse, proving that the only dragon worth a damn is now just a bitch.

Igneel goes on to explain that the dragons were sealed inside their foster children. Okay, so the dragons are like the Bijuu now...fine, I’m actually cool with that. I guess we needed an excuse plot for the dragons. But for fuck’s sake, did Rouge actually have to ask if the “throbbing” he felt was the trigger to release the spell.

Yes folks, Rouge felt something throbbing and all of a sudden, a great black thing came out of him. Excuse me, but I’m done. I tried. I tried so hard to do this with some shred of decency...but no. I tried my friends, I really did.

So, then Natsu, the Greatest Moron Ever, opens his yap. He states that he doesn’t remember eating Igneel...I’m gonna be a classy man and avoid the obvious joke here. Even I have standards.

Anyway, Igneel finally explains why, and it is bullshit. The dragons sealed themselves in children to stop said children from becoming true dragons like Acnologia. eh, what? If that was your biggest concern, maybe you should have stayed and raised the children so they knew what NOT to do.

Speaking of the receiver of the greatest disappointment in FT history, we see him start to stir, while Igneel as it turns out was riding reverse cowboy style atop the Dragon King...I said I was a classy man, but sometimes, class doesn’t stop me from being crass.

Acnolgia and Igneel suddenly take off to continue their fight, leaving Natsu to get the book. WHAT could Igneel do with that book that is so important Grey doesn’t just use his magic to destroy it?

Speaking of Sasuke’s mage counterpart, he FINALLY picks up the book and is two seconds from ending the arc, when who else but Natsu shows up, too busy eating a bag of Igneel dicks to actually do anything but stare at Gray...huh, so I DID make the joke I wanted to avoid. Nice.

Some bullshit dialoge between Igneel and Acnologia about how END is no more and that the Dragon King was once human before becoming the Avatar of Destruction is has become...blah blah blah.

FINALLY, we cut back to Natsu-to and Sasu-Gray, who have lost the book. Where’d it go? Why, right back to its author, Zeref. About time we actually see him get off his ass this arc. Hopefully, one of the heroes dies at his hands next chapter, cause I am DONE with this shit.

That’s it, I’m done. Next week, Aha should be back, so don’t get used to me being your wonderful host....forgive me guys, I tried.

PS. The alternate title I was gonna use was In Which There Is Homosexual Subtext