Talk:Persus/@comment-4666155-20140319193521

A critique would be where I am come in. As Per would say, "come on and slam, and welcome to Japan!" I'll be your hostess this time around, I'm one of the admins, you can call me either Darkrai, Aha, Nagi, or Noire, either four work. Your character has several issues that need to be addressed before you can move on. The most minor of which is the introductory paragraph, which, congrats on having one, requires the katakana for Persus' name in parenthesis and italics. The katakana is パースス Paasusu, or that's the closest I've got. Next, the relationships section should be pushed UNDER the magic and abilities. Now, the biggest issue, howeverm, is Persus in general. He has far too much involvement with canon characters such as Hades and Ul. For example, his "semi-romantic" relationship with Ul needs to go. While we have no idea exactly who Ul would have ever wound up with, a random fanon character from nowhere is the least likely of any of them. While him being recruited by Hades isn't exactly bad, the fact that you're placing Persus above every other member of Grimoire Heart is the issue. You seem to be forgetting that Bluenote, the man who went toe to toe with Gildarts, was the ace of Grimoire Heart. Making a fanon character as their strongest member short of Hades himself is a huge error, its grounds for this man to become a Marty Stu (Mary Sue) if you were to expand on this as it is. Furthermore, his excuse of not being on Sirius Island is very weak; there is no way he'd be on "vacation", as I am sure Hades would have brought every powerful member he could on that mission to Sirius. It's best to remove any assoctiation with the Seven Kin of Purgatory and Grimoire Heart entirely. You can keep a relationship to Hades if you must, but don't forget, the man wandered the Earth for some years; he could have easily met this boy before he formed Grimoire Heart. Try to make use of a situation like that instead. Also, remove the quote from Terry Pratchett. Steal quotes from manga and anime as you please, but try to leave lines by actual people alone.